You might have caught this program (or something like it) on one of the major networks recently…
Cue patriotic music … Fade in video of Old Glory, while soldiers march across the screen, flanked by military vehicles and exploding mortar shells…
Announcer: Good evening viewers, tonight we have an exclusive interview with Joe Meanspirit, a Republican strategist, and Libby Googoo, a Democratic strategist, who will provide us with incisive insights into the highly nuanced campaigns of war hero Senator John McCain and that other guy, Osama or Obama, or whatever.
Libby tosses her blond curls and displays several thousand dollars worth of dental caps. Joe, who is one of the few African-Americans who have ever voted Republican, smirks condescendingly.
Announcer: We have the figures from our latest poll, and they are dramatically revealing. They show Senator John McCain leading Senator Barack Obama by 42 points to 41 points, with a margin of error of 6 points. Undecided are 12 percent, and 5 percent made a rude gesture toward our pollsters when accosted. Libby, I’ll let you goo… I mean go … first. What do you make of this dramatically revealing turn of events?
Libby: Well, this is dramatic and revealing, and it shows we have a tight race, but while I honor Senator McCain’s service to his country – we all know what a war hero he is – I have to say that he is beginning to show the stress of an arduous campaign. With all due respect, he should not be campaigning so vigorously at his age. He should be relaxing in one of his eight homes and letting the maid bring him mint juleps. I doubt he will be able to stay the course if he doesn’t do a better job of pacing himself.
Joe, interrupting: Well, Libby, I must say that’s very disingenuous of you, as well as disrespectful to a war hero, whose patriotism is unquestioned, and who always stands for the National Anthem, not to mention that he puts his hand over his heart when he says the Pledge of Allegiance.
Libby, interrupting: But where’s his lapel pin, huh? I don’t see him wearing a lapel pin!
Libby: Your guy, Hussein Osama, didn’t start wearing a flag pin till they called him on it, and then he made disrespectful remarks about patriotism – as you would expect from someone who is rumored to be a Muslim. You know that John McCain, a war hero who has served in the Senate for three decades, does not take a back seat to anyone when it comes to patriotism. And, by the way, he does not drink mint juleps.
Libby, interrupting: Why would he when his wife owns a brewery?
Announcer, getting a word in edgewise: Actually, Libby, I have to set the record straight on that. Cindy McCain’s family owns a Budweiser distributorship (cut to video of Budweiser Clydesdales hauling a wagon of beer), not a brewery. By the way, I believe Budweiser, the King of Beers, is in danger of being bought by Belgians, which would be a sad day in America’s history.
Joe, sounding pleased: See? You left-wingers never get your facts right (laughter).
Announcer: That’s a good one, Joe… left-wingers not being right… ha-ha-ha!
Libby: And what about you right-wingers, Joe? Wasn’t your grandfather the only black politician to campaign for Joe McCarthy? Or was that some other Joseph P. Meanspirit?
Joe: How dare you impugn the memory of my grandfather? I resent that racist remark, and I demand an apology.
Announcer: I’m surprised that you would make such a repugnant remark, Libby! You should repudiate and denounce it at once.
Libby: Very well, I distance myself from the “black” part of the remark, but I stand by the rest of it. I’m not going to throw myself under the bus for telling the truth.
Joe, smiling gently: Oh, I wouldn’t ask you to do that, Libby. We’ve been friends for too long. We all misspeak once in a while.
Libby: Well, I would expect no less from my good friend, either, Joe. What are you doing after the show? You going down to the National Press Club for a brew?
Joe: You bet, Lib. See ya there?
Announcer: Well, there you have it. folks. Another fair and balanced look at the exciting presidential campaigns of war hero McCain and his flip-flopping elitist opponent, Osama Hussein… Hey guys, don’t leave without me, I’m heading for the press club, too!
Cue Budweiser commercial.