Like Blackwater when its dark deeds were exposed, BP will probably respond to the catastrophe it caused in the Gulf by changing its name. And it will have to shed the “go green” look. No one will ever buy that again.
So here are a few suggestions. Free of charge.
How about a military theme? That should win friends and influence customers in today’s America. BP could become GI (for GI Joe), its employees could wear Army fatigues and its buildings could be decorated in some kind of camouflage pattern. Of course, the stations would hand out “Support Our Troops” bumper stickers. They could also hold drawings for such prizes as a weekend on maneuvers with a local militia. And the company could hire a group of retired generals to extol its virtues on CNN.
Or maybe something religious or patriotic – or both. They could opt for a name like Liberty or Patriot – or something from the New Testament to distinguish their Christian gas from all that Muslim gas the other stations sell. The employees could wear three-cornered hats and gaiters, and they could paint stars and stripes over their gas pumps and buildings. That should attract a lot of “real American” customers!
Motorists would get a Bible and/or a copy of the Constitution with every tank of gas. The stations would also distribute free “God Bless America” bumper stickers – and raffle off automatic rifles (a sure winner with the Fourth Amendment crowd).
The “new” company would need a spokesperson, and who could be more suitable than Sarah Palin (photo above)? She would look oh-so-hot dressed up as the Statue of Liberty. She could tour the company’s service stations (at $100,000 a visit), scribble the Ten Commandments on the palms of her hands and read them to cheering (and ogling) crowds.
And while she’s at it, she could say a word or two in favor of deregulation. All this regulation-y stuff is stifling free enterprise, don’t ya know (wink).
Of course, it would be a lot less costly for BP to become a good corporate citizen – acting responsibly, obeying safety regulations, protecting employees’ lives and respecting the environment.
But that’s just not the way Big Oil rolls, is it?