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Roses – The Hostess Also Likes to Blow the Horn

Namsta Naomi J. – Yaadinfo Contributor    [ Website ]

Roses - A Distinctive Little Anecdote

We were not allowed to say “Screw”,
but we could say “Hump the hostess”,
because “hump” is in Shakespeare.
– Uta Hagen

Date: Saturday, October 4, 2008.
Location: The Candy Moon Club
Time: 4:42 AM



“OOOOUCH MY FEET’S ACHING,” Johanna grimaced, shaking her glittery Louboutin slingbacks.
“YEAH SO ARE MINE,” Shauna said resting her elbows on Jade’s shoulder.
“I’M THIRSTY. GONNA GET ANOTHER DRINK MAN,” Jade added.
“ALRIGHT, MEET YOU GUYS BACK IN THE V.I.P.” I shouted, turning on my heels and heading in the direction of the ladies loo.
Oh yes. Why is it, no matter how much potpourri and air fresheners are sprayed in these places, most public toilets (including this one) still smell so pissy?
“Errr gross man,” I groaned.
Peeling the sweat drenched mask away from my clammy face, I started to pat my cheeks down with the toilet tissue provided by the miserable looking toilet attendant.
“Remind me NEVER to wear a mask to a rave again,” I hissed, staring at my washed out reflection in the gold picture framed mirror.

“Hey Marcia,” Monique chirped, coming out of one of the toilet cubicles.
MakeupOh my days, this girl pops up everywhere!
“You alright, Monny?” I said plucking white tissue bits from my eyelashes.
“I’m cool. Have you enjoyed yourself tonight?” Monique asked.
She pulled out a small sky blue make-up case from her coffee brown Fendi messenger bag.
“Yeah man, it’s been heavy, especially Frisky Shotta’s set. The fancy dress competition winner was a bit of a joke though. I mean if that girl looks like the spitting image of Janet Jackson, then my name’s Naomi Campbell.”
“You’re funny,” Monique replied, showcasing her award winning smile.
“So what time do you get to go home tonight?”, I asked.
“Well around sixish. Another hour or so I guess.”
“Oh my days. That’s a bit of a pain. I dunno about you but I’m feeling kinda’ mash up,” I said, slipping my mask back on before readjusting the afro wig.
“Yeah but it’s cool though, my man’s coming to pick me up so it ain’t all bad. He said he’s on his way now actually. Reckons he’s gonna hang around till the end innit.”
“Awww that’s so sweet man,” I said.
(I thought to myself, “That’s what I love about Marlon, you know. The way he always picked me up from work whenever we were going out on a date. If that wasn’t gentlemanly enough, he also dropped me right to my door…Even though I never let him come in.”)
“I know. He’s a very sweet guy. We’ve only been official for about two months now but I really like him,” Monique said applying some powdered foundation to her unblemished T-zone.
“Sounds like it. Whoever said there ain’t any decent guys left in London these days was chatting garbage man. I’m seeing someone at the moment. Things are going well. I’m really feeling him…We’re getting kinda serious,”
“Yeah? Awww, I hope it all works out for you,” Monique said carefully drawing around the perimeter of her mouth with a mahogany coloured lip liner.
“Likewise gurlfren…that’s my tune!” I squealed.

Listening to the delightful melody knocking through the thin toilet walls, I could instantly tell that one of my all time favourite eighties grooves, The Mac Band’s Roses are Red had started to play.
“Zoom Blast had better put a re-wind on this timeless jam,” I grinned.
“Monny, I’ll catch you later hon.”
I made a quick exit for the toilet door.

Shaking my jazz hands in the air, I waltzed my way back to the centre of the dance floor.
Oh my days I was in classic ol’ skool heaven.
“….Roses are red, violets are blue baby,
Well if there’s anything I’m certain of
It’s I love you…..”
I sang along at the top of my lungs whilst touch stepping to the beat. Talk about the perfect end to a good night. Those of us left carried on joyously stamping our feet and dipping our shoulders towards the parquet wood floor. Turning to my left, something automatically caught my attention. No way!
With sudden excitement engulfing me, I made sure the mask wasn’t totally obscuring my eyesight. Staring from the spot where I was boogieing, the tall guy bowling towards the main bar area looked remarkably like Marlon. In fact I was sure it was him.
Talk about confused dot com.
“How did Marlon know I was gonna be here? “ I wondered.
I don’t remember telling him. I mean, I haven’t spoken to him since Sunday…Maybe I did tell him and forgot hmmm.… Oh well….How lovely is he is? I bet he turned up to surprise me. Awwwww how sweee….HANG ON! My excitable thoughts screeched to an abrupt halt.

ShockedIT WAS A FRICKING SURPRISE ALRIGHT!
“Why’s he going over to her?” I asked myself whilst the feeling of absolute puzzlement and disbelief belted me hard, right across the face.
Plunged into a sudden haze of shock, it felt like I was in the midst of an outer body experience. The floor had suddenly been snatched from under my feet whilst my head spun with a multitude of dizzying theories. What?
I took colossal sized gulps watching Marlon kiss and hug up on Monique! The exact same way he had done with me. With panic and dread wreaking havoc in my mind, I had to do a double take, just to convince myself that my alcohol fuddled system wasn’t playing hypnotising tricks with my eyesight. Oh my F#$*ING days!!! He’s pinching and caressing her rump, the exact same way he does with mine.
“Ph-phl-phl-leaze tell me this a joke!” I stuttered, feeling extremely short of air.
Marlon continued to knead his fingers in to Monique’s backside, as if it was play dough.
“It looks like Monny and I have more in common than we think.”
My eyes remained glued to the display of complete bull shit happening right before me. An overwhelming sensation of nausea gurgled in the pit of my stomach. A wave of bile grazed my throat. It felt like some invisible energy had forced me into a headlock and was gleefully throttling the life out of me.
“I can’t breathe,” I wheezed.

Once I’d managed to pick my jaw up off the ground, I knew I had to get out of here pronto.
Stumbling backwards, I spun around and legged it back as fast as my platforms would carry me, to the V.I.P. area. Silence fell over the table within a second of the girls spotting me from the door.
“Marcia! Wassup? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost,” Johanna asked as I approached the booth.
“I-I-I just saw Marlon,” I stammered.
My heaving lungs rested on the cusp of an explosion. Choked by my own inability to speak, I was a hot bumbling mess.
“Marcia?” Shauna enquired.
Jade stood up.
“I just saw Marlon kissing our host Monny,” I breathlessly squeaked.
The liquid contents of Jade’s mouth splattered across the table whilst Shauna’s and Johanna’s eyes were immediately filled with rage.
“YOU WHAT!” Jade roared.

[Continues Next Week…]



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